the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
