I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Randomize
