I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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