he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
