im drinking this country out of the recession.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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