i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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