I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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