Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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