so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
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Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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