I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
