Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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