i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
