i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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