why didn't you poke me back
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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