I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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