my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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