I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
