just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I am one with the molecules
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
