Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
