Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is Oprah even human
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
