It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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