i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
