Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
