I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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