3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
