ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
