Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
