Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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