If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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