I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
