i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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