worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
