I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
