She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
