Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
