He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
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I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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