I smell stomach acid.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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