One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't put those talents on a resume
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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