is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
