he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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