Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
