I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
