Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
