Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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