Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
