When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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