Redeem this text for a blowjob
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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