i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize