im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
