All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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