I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
