I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
