I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
