You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
