I wish I could punch you in the face.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
